July 5, 2009
Alex, on Chicago Cubs sucking: When the ever-volatile Milton Bradley came aboard, he promised “pretty much ain’t nothing Milt can’t do.” And boy, has he ever delivered on that double negative.
On the lighter app
Dan: So wait—there’s lighter fluid in the iPhone?
Frank: It’s a picture, Dan. Of a flame.
Mason: So you’re telling me that in San Antonio I would actually be getting paid to not use any water?
Elise: You’d also be getting not laid.
Jackie: It doesn’t taste like pink.
Camila: I’ve been a noncontributing member of life.
Filed under Quote of the Day
Tags: alex, Dan, elise, Frank, Hickey, iPhone, jackie, lighter app, Mason, taste like color, uncommon quotes, water bill
June 28, 2009
Elise: So what would happen if all humans became vampires? Wouldn’t there be nothing left for them to live on?
Andy: It depends on which author you read.
Jim: If it’s Stephanie Meyer, they’d sustain themselves on love. Love and sexual tension.
Pat: If you don’t get them on the right track when they’re young, they turn out to be 16-year-olds who steal Hot Pockets.
Carey: I give Ed McMahon’s passing zero stars.
Pat: We’re big on T&A’s here. Do you know what that is?
Elise: Uhhh…
Pat: It’s our Time & Action Schedules.
Dan: I wanted to go to the ocean so bad this weekend, but it’s Indiana. So I went to the Y.
Filed under Quote of the Day
Tags: andy, carey, Dan, Ed McMahon, elise, Hot Pocket, Indiana, jim, love, ocean, pat, sexual tension, Stephanie Meyer, T&As, thieving thief, Twilight, Twilight sucks, uncommon quotes, vampires, YMCA, young punk
June 21, 2009
Jackie: Adolescent love never dies. Much unlike VHS technology.
Homeowner, to a property manager: You should really put a sign up that says “No Toy Boats.” This is not an amusement park.
Ryan: What does it mean when I had a dream last night about turning a bucket of KFC into a time machine?
Matt: Um, a trip to the patent office?
Hildey: God may have created rivers, but man created the Lazy River. Man 1, God 0.
Jackie: I might have a job for you. Interested?
Elise: I don’t know. I’ve spent a lot of time building up quite the Netflix queue.
Filed under Quote of the Day
Tags: elise, God vs. Man, Hildey, homeowner, jackie, KFC, lazy river, matt, Netflix, patent, property management, ryan, time machine, uncommon quotes
June 19, 2009
“Life begins at convection.”
June 14, 2009
Rachel: He got shitfaced for his Going Away / July 4th party.
Chris: It wasn’t for July 4th – it was in April.
Rachel: …well then what were all the fucking fireworks for?
Chris: Because they’re hillbillies.
Joe: If you win this one, you can have 3 bucks.
Becker: 3 dollars? Really? Gee, Mr. Wilson!
Kelly, at cat shelter: Look at her, working the fence. She knows how to use her box.
Tim: Ah, we got a little Sublime going on!
Heather: This is Beyonce.
Camila: Why don’t you apply to be a stewardess?
Elise: I don’t think that would fly with Jim.
Filed under Quote of the Day
Tags: becker, Beyonce, camila, cat shelter, Chris, elise, fireworks, flight attendant, heather, hillbillies, joe, July 4th, kelly, rachel, rednecks, stewardess, Sublime, tim, uncommon quotes, wager, working your box
June 7, 2009
Camila: I’m giving up church for Lent.
Nicole, on a Frenchman: He said ‘the first person who finds us weed is a god.’ Well, first I’d wanted weed anyway, but then I wanted to be a god.
Carmelina: You know, they should really sell cigarettes individually or by twos for the people who want to either quit smoking or not start.
Elise: Like the 100-calorie snack pack of tobacco!
Jim: You expect me to stay with you if you go BALD, but you won’t stay with me if I wear a flame shirt?
Elise: I should have married rich.
Melissa: …who’s Rich?
Filed under Quote of the Day
Tags: 100-calorie snack packs, 100-calorie snack packs for tobacco, camila, carmelina, elise, God, jim, Lent, Melissa, nicole, uncommon quotes, weed
May 31, 2009
Urban Farming presenter: I don’t think it’s realistic to expect that 10 farms outside the city will sustain the local produce market.
Random woman: He has no clue; there are hundreds of farms outside Indianapolis.
Tim: How do you know they’re on a first date?
Elise: Because they’re smiling and laughing the whole time—that doesn’t happen once you know each other.
Tim: But I’m smiling and laughing at what you’re saying and we know each other.
Camila: I don’t get jealous of people who get married or pregnant or have a big house or nice cars; I get jealous of people who travel. It makes me physically ill to hear about someone’s vacation.
Clint: Well if the government thing doesn’t work out, you’ve got the carnival.
Barnes: Except I’d probably have to work a lot harder as a carnie.
Erin: I was told that I need to remind you to keep your chastity belt on – ha, ha – maybe that would help you freaking give me a call BACK sometime.
Filed under Quote of the Day
Tags: barnes, blind date, camila, carnie, Clint, elise, internet date, tim, travel envy, uncommon quotes, urban farming, working for the government
May 24, 2009
Rob: When a second grader asks you to come see something that he or she has completed, the quality is rarely equivalent to their level of enthusiasm.
Elise: By girl standards, we’re normal – but by people standards? Christ … you smell your WRIST. Are you serious?
Jim: I wish I could go back in time so – without getting caught – I could kill her before they could meet.
Clint: How are your girlfriends?
Barnes: Oh, there’s only one now. The older chick.
Clint: The winner.
Sam: I didn’t want my gun just laying out; bitches are crazy.
Filed under Quote of the Day
Tags: barnes, Clint, elise, girl standards, girlfriends, gun control, jim, normal, people standards, Rob, Sam, teacher, uncommon quotes
May 17, 2009
Jim: He had a popped collar and spiked hair.
Leslie, walking in: Are we talking about George Hamilton?
On smoking a cigarette
Erin: Seriously?
Elise: I thought buying breadsticks would buy me a free pass! Don’t judge. Don’t judge.
Janae: I just saw two people having sex in the driver’s seat of a Range Rover in the “curbside take-out” space of an Applebee’s parking lot. NOT AWESOME.
Robert: The lady in question decided against going down the aisle, probably because either I had on my uber-hot leather jacket that makes me look like a really hot sex magnet dude or because she didn’t want to be in the same aisle as an elderly racist and a guy who hasn’t showered yet today.
Elise, on giving blood (iron level finger prick): I was counting on there only being one prick, not two! Three, if you count the guy who only came in for the free juice.
Filed under Quote of the Day
Tags: Applebee's, elderly racist, elise, George Hamilton, giving blood, Janae, jim, Leslie, popped collar, prick, Robert, sex in a parking lot, smoking, uncommon quotes
May 10, 2009
Kris: What are you drinking?
Gino: Johnny Walker Black.
Kris: I’ll pass.
Gino: Well what are you drinking?
Kris: A, uh, sour apple martini.
Gino: Does that come with a sac?
Jim: George tried to trap me in one of his…traps.
Meredith: The castle has to be near a bunny skiing hill. I mean, it’s a castle.
Dan, on Ping: What a needed service! A good example of an operational functional deficit leveraging a propensity to initiate opportunistic functionality. More conventionally – necessity is the mother of invention.
Elise: Why are you taking the computer away?
Jim: Um, because you’re reading and going to sleep.
Elise: Says who!
Jim: Tradition.
Filed under Quote of the Day
Tags: castle, Dan, elise, Gino, going to bed early, jim, Johnny Walker Black, kris, meredith, necessity is the mother of invention, sac, sour apple martini, traps, uncommon quotes
