November 8, 2009
At a wedding
Keith: Would you like to dance?
Grandma: No thanks. I only dance dirty.
At the same wedding
Keith: Do you want a drink?
Anonymous: I’m not old enough, but I have some weed.
On “Three Cups of Tea” author
Kelli: He’s an amazing person – he’s built, like, 700 schools in Afghanistan and completely changed the face of their country.
Sarah: He’s also really cute.
Meredith: He lands at 6. He’s coming with a friend.
Elise: He’s bringing a FRIEND as his wedding date? …oh, wait. That’s what you’re doing. Never mind.
Jackie: What would I do without me?
Filed under Quote of the Day
Tags: uncommon quotes, jackie, elise, weed, meredith, kelli, grandma, wedding, Sarah, Keith, dirty dancing, minor, Three Cups of Tea, wedding date, self sufficiency
November 1, 2009
On Indianapolis
Kelli: I would love to stay here, but I want to procreate.
Chris: I could never marry someone who’s tan in January.
Allen: He’s, like, Star Trek smart – you can see him thinking 10 billion different things at once…I’ll bet he can move things with his mind.
Jessica: You can’t get high from chewing a marijuana leaf.
Elise: Why not?
Jessica: I think it has to be hot.
Elise: …but the temperature of your mouth is a steamy 98.6 degrees.
Jessica: Yeah, but that’s not fire. I don’t know what temperature gets hot at, but it’s not from chewing. It’s not fucking fire. That wouldn’t be safe.
Zach: If you come to campus, prepare to be horrified by the fashion choices of our nation’s future middle managers.
Filed under Quote of the Day
Tags: 98.6 degrees, Allen, Chris, elise, fake and bake, Indiana dating scene, Indianapolis, jessica, kelli, marijuana, marriage material, procreation, Star Trek, telekinesis, uncommon quotes, zach
October 25, 2009
Meredith, on first date: Responsible Meredith says meet somewhere, but my gut says he isn’t scary. Just scary hot.
Kristy: Sean is my window into Black America.
Sean: I’m white chocolate.
Patron: I snuck in the back door.
Bartender: That’s what she said.
Jessica: A freaking gnat just tried to drink my beer! Did you SEE that? First it landed, was on the rim and then it did a fly-by.
Rich: I’m so not looking forward to getting up at 4 a.m. to travel with him tomorrow. To the point that I think I’d actually be glad if I sustained a light injury, like a broken toe, that would keep me from going.
Filed under Quote of the Day
Tags: black america, dive bombing bug, gnat, internet date, jessica, Kristy, meredith, Rich, Sean, That's What She Said, traveling for work, uncommon quotes, white america, white chocolate
October 17, 2009
Emily: That’s what happens when you let a hippy schedule your shit; you end up in Ann Arbor, Michigan.
Dave: Why does slapped together bubble gum pop on Radio Disney accidentally end up with some amazing poignant and deep lyrics?
Elise: I think lyrics are only as deep as the life experiences to which we can relate them.
Mom, on dating around: Overrated. It used to be that girls didn’t have guy friends, so you’d have to go on a proper date to get to know them. Now you can get to know them without actually dating them, so there’s no point. Having guy friends is much better.
Camila: The people there don’t have manners. Or teeth.
Jim: iTunes has no respect for the ‘90s.
Filed under Quote of the Day
Tags: 90s music, Ann Arbor, bubble gum pop, camila, dating around, dave, elise, emily, hippy, iTunes, jim, manners, mom, poignant lyrics, quotes, Radio Disney, uncommon quotes
October 11, 2009
Adam: I just soaped up my car before the rain really started to come down. The Lazy Man’s Car Wash.
Gray: Middle-aged dude just walked out of our office building to have a smoke…pulled out a pack of Capri’s.
Adam: Was he wearing hot pants and an ascot?
Jeff: I dated a girl who worked in Taos one summer at a restaurant Val Kilmer liked to go to—they had to put mirrors out on the back of the commodes because that’s where he preferred to do his coke.
Jim: I felt so bad for Meredith. It was like dropping a lunatic off at the asylum; she was expecting two doctors to take care of you but ended up finding two more lunatics instead.
On liking Party in the USA by Miley Cyrus
Elise: Sometimes when you get nervous, Jackie – like in an interview or presentation – it’s good to just put your hands up because they’re playing your elevator song. Nod your head like ‘yeah’; move your hips like ‘yeah.’ They’ll understand.
September 21, 2009
Jim: Really? You live in Indiana and just asked if Canadian geese could fly?
Meredith: So if you’re a man wearing two different types of camouflage, is it really clashing?
Beth: Kathie Lee Gifford has a sweet job. Either she comes to work drunk every day or gets to act like she’s drunk. Either way, it’s a good deal.
Chris: I just found out the band Chicago was so named because they formed in Chicago. I think that’s fascinating.
Janae: I give St. Ives an F-minus for their Olive Scrub, which is all olives and no scrub. Now my skin is dull and lifeless. I’m going back to St. Ives Apricot Scrub, which is aggressive and unrelenting. The pain lets me know it’s working.
Filed under Quote of the Day
Tags: beth, Canadian Geese, chicago, Chris, clashing camouflage, Janae, jim, Kathie Lee Gifford, meredith, St. Ives Apricot Scrub, St. Ives Olive Scrub, uncommon quotes
August 30, 2009
Buying bleach
Cashier: Laundry day, huh?
Channing: No, just really thirsty.
Janae: The word “let’s” is contracted, so reliably it seems like a big affectation to use “let us” as separate words. “Let us talk about sex!” “Let us gobble these sausages!” Are we kings and princes?
David: We should time travel back to medieval days and start dropping “let’s” all over the towns and villages. Then we can sit back and watch the madness we created.
Janae: Fire up the Delorean and come get me.
Elise: When is it acceptable to wear jean shorts?
Mason: When you’re on a rope swing by a secluded lake.
Elise: Wrong. The correct answer is “never.”
Mason: But nylon cuts! You need something thicker on rope swings.
Dan: For six years, this guy runs a magazine that sent him on trips to places like Asia and Vegas. Now he’s writing about sewage in Cleveland.
Hickey: One night I met this insane genius at the bar – think Doc Brown – who has made a fortune in oil or something but was telling me all about these theories he had with numbers and how he was starting to make “the next big movie trilogy.” The first one was called “The Power of 7,” the second “The Power of 3″ and the final one was “The Power of 1.” I can’t remember exactly what they were about, other than terrorists blowing shit up and the world ending. Also, he busted out this huge 80s-style calculator and kept hitting the square root button to prove that every number comes back down to one. Because he was so concerned that someone else might have come up with this idea, he even had it notarized. He was also carrying a personalized letter from the former governor of Louisiana, who is currently in prison. (Imagine, a governor in prison). It even had whatever penitentiary that governor is in as the return address. Oh, and he also wore two watches. One set on Louisiana time, the other set on Baghdad time. Even though he was 61 years old and clearly hadn’t been serving in Baghdad. Also, he gave me his business card and wrote both of his cell phone numbers on the back, so we could hang out and he could show me where to pick up
chicks in town. Still have not made that call.
Filed under Quote of the Day
Tags: Baghdad Time, bleach, Channing, Dan, David, Delorean, Doc Brown, elise, Hickey, Janae, jean shorts, journalism major, let's vs. let us, Mason, medieval times, psycho, sewage in Cleveland, the power of one, uncommon quotes, wearing two watches
August 23, 2009
Jess: Sundays are bittersweet because they are inherently relaxing, but inevitably lead to Mondays.
Meredith: Why is that guy wearing high waters?
Elise: You laugh now, but just wait til there’s a flash flood.
Meredith: …and then I’d roll my pants.
Elise: Manual Hemming. I like it.
Joel: I didn’t go to my 10-year reunion. They were charging people to show up and just stand around on the grass; I don’t pay to stand on earth.
Hickey, on the Red Dawn remake: Really? Does no one have an original idea anymore? Can we start shipping some more cocaine to Hollywood to get the idea train moving again? Jesus.
Rob, on first date group outing: If either of you think it’s a bad idea to go to a bar where your friends are ‘hanging out’ for the first time, you can just place that right out of your mind. When I’m in Indianapolis, it’s inevitable that I’ll meet somebody I know; and I’d prefer it’s you two rather than a girl I met off Match.com that recognizes me. So, I figure, if you guys are there, the probability that someone else that knows me will be there. It’s statistics. The same reason I always carry a suitcase bomb when I fly. There’s virtually no chance of there being two bombs on a plane.
Filed under Quote of the Day
Tags: blind date, cocaine, elise, first date, flash flood, free earth, group date, Hickey, highwaters, Hollywood, Jess, Joel, manual hemming, Match.com, meredith, Mondays, Red Dawn remake, Rob, Suitcase Bomb Theory, Sundays, tightrolling, uncommon quotes
August 16, 2009
On Bingo
Mason: The numbers only go up in increments of 15.
Elise: You are such a dork. How do you even know that?
Mason: About a million people over the age of 65.
Jackie: Do you remember starting clubs in elementary school, and only certain people could be in them? I had sign-up sheets and everything.
Elise: …who brings paperwork to a playground?
Channing: Sadly, the knock-off perfume/cologne place at the State Fair doesn’t have Star Trek Red Shirt, the scent for those who feel expendable.
Tim: So have you guys set a wedding date?
Elise: July 31st.
Jackie: What?! I can’t believe you told Tim before me!
Elise: You’re sitting right there! You found out at the exact same time.
Tim: Actually, I did hear it first. I was sitting closest, so it was only by microseconds, but still. Me first.
Elise: Thanks for sandbagging me.
Hickey: Patrick Kane now has an entire omelette on his face after getting arrested for allegedly attacking a cab driver over 20 cents change. Yes. Two dimes. For a guy making $875,000 a year. I thought of doing something clever with this post, like a list of the things that Patrick Kane could get with the 20 cents that he wanted back from the cabbie. But the fact of the matter is, there isn’t a fucking thing you could do with 20 cents. The cost of building a time machine to go to a year where 20 cents had any value would far outweigh the usefulness of having the 20 cents.
Filed under Quote of the Day
Tags: 20 cents, Bingo, Channing, clubs, elise, Hickey, jackie, Mason, Patrick Kane, playground, Red Shirt, sandbagging, Star Trek, uncommon quotes, wedding dates
August 9, 2009
Hickey: Why don’t these people understand that the whole reason I ordered popcorn chicken was to have a sauce to dip it in? So then put some damn sauce in the bag. It’s not that hard. JFC.
Andrew: JFC, KFC – WTF!
Vicki, on Eric Clapton: I want to have your children but don’t have a uterus.
On Ratatouille
Elise: A crepe? Broke the window? Really?
Jim: …a rat? That can cook? Really?
Dan: Jenna got married. Did you go to the wedding?
Julien: No.
Dan: Why?
Julien: Cause I slept with her.
Elise: I wonder if when you’re a man of a certain size, it’s just assumed you’ll be a jockey.
Mom: Or a dictator.
Filed under Quote of the Day
Tags: Dan, dictator, elise, Eric Clapton, Hickey, JFC KFC WTF, jim, jockey, Julien, KFC, mom, popcorn chicken, Ratatouille, uterus, vicki, wedding, WTF
