B: I have to know one thing before we go forward – are you Team Jacob or Team Edward? Because I’m not hanging around with a bunch of werewolf lovers. Just saying
MB: Divorce only costs $158.
E: That’s 10 times as expensive as a marriage license!
J: That’s because it’s 10 times better.
S, on couch crashers: You should open up a halfway house for the lovelorn.
Barnes: “Broken Wings.”
E: Your arm hair looks like it’s permed.
B: You are to strippers what my treadmill is to me. Exhausting and unpleasant, and there at 6 a.m. when I just want to go to bed.
M: You have no idea how hairy this guy is. Burt Reynolds and Alec Baldwin have a kid together; maybe that’s close.
B: If there’s one rule in life, it’s that if it’s been in a vagina, it’s yours.
B: I propose we do the strip club first. A strip club is only going to get worse with every hour you stay later, but karaoke only gets better.
M: It’s not fat; it’s extended muscle. It all turns to dick at midnight.
E: A Days Inn that specializes in catfish also. Interesting.
MB: Is it weird that I find the window washing more attractive than the stripper?
S: Me too!
MB, toasting: Here’s to being old!
Stripper: Are you guys having a good time? She doesn’t look like she’s having a good time.
J: Oh, there’s lots of colors and momentum; she’s having a good time.
E: I say if I can punch Barnes and Smitty in the balls without them expecting it, the challenge is even.
B: Okay, the challenge will be even!
E: …do I need to uppercut them or can I hit straight?
B: Barnes will be a great father someday. And Smitty will accidentally impregnate a woman.
MB: As a parting gift, here’s some marital advice—don’t ever pretend you have terminal cancer.
