A handful of Tina Fey’s most funny and/or resonating character quotes from 30 Rock, Baby Mama and SNL’s Weekend Update.
Jenna: How’s the sex?
Liz: Fast and only on Saturdays. Perfect!
Liz: Who’s got two thumbs, speaks limited French, and hasn’t cried once today? This moi!
Liz: I don’t think you want to take advice from me on this. I ate a Three Muskateers bar this morning, and this bra is held together by tape.
Liz, on a date: I just want to go home and watch that show about midgets and eat a block of cheese.
Kate: Sometimes when I work a really long day, I like to come home and chew a huge wad of Bubbalicious gum and stick it under my reclaimed barnwood coffee table.
Angie: Bitch, I don’t know your life!
Liz: What I’m saying is you need to wear a bra to work if you want to be taken seriously in this business.
Liz: I just wish I could start a relationship about 12 years in where you don’t really have to try anymore and you can just sit around together and goof on TV shows and go to bed without anybody trying any funny business.
Land Shark: Candygram.
Tina: They don’t even have those anymore.
Land Shark: Oh, they don’t? Uh…Publisher’s Clearing House. Congratulations, Miss!
Liz: It must be true if it’s on the “Interweb.”
Jenna: That guy wanted to buy you a drink!
Liz: Really? But I already have a drink…do you think he’d buy me mozzarella sticks?
Liz, on not stereotyping: I once asked that black guy if he’d seen “Sideways.”
Jenna, on group fitness: What class do you want to take?
Liz: Anything that doesn’t have the word “strip,” “salsa,” or “beats” with a “z” in the name of it.
[Elevator opens on Floyd kissing girlfriend]
Floyd: Hey, sorry about that – not superappropriate in the workplace.
Liz: No, it’s only inappropriate when it’s ugly people.
Jack: Alfredo’s, 2 p.m.
Liz: I’m not dressed for that.
Jack: You’re dressed for Burger King. Should we make it Burger King?
Liz: I need my job back, but this is not crawling – it’s proud begging, like those kids that dance on the subway.
Liz: I have bigger things to worry about than my personal life.
Jack: I would think that the single woman’s biggest worry would be choking to death in her apartment.
Jack: Lemon, you’re here early.
Liz: Well I gave caffeine so I’ve been going to bed at 5:30
Jenna: It’s kind of hard to take life advice from a single woman who’s using her treadmill as a hanger for a wedding dress. And who’s wearing a one piece swimsuit instead of underwear?
Liz: I’m doing laundry.
Jack: So what are you gonna do with your money? Put it into a 401(k)?
Liz: Yeah,I gotta get one of those.
Jack: What? Where do you invest your money, Lemon?
Liz: I’ve got like twelve grand in checking.
Jack: Are you an immigrant?
Jamie: I’ll pick you up at 10.
Liz: At NIGHT?
Liz: Here is all my crazy secret stuff – I have been sexually rejected by not one, but two guys who later went on to Clown College. I get supernervous whenever I hear a vacuum cleaner because when I was a kid my mom would turn on the vacuum to drown out the sound of her and my dad fighting, which is why I rarely vacuum my apartment, like never. I have had three donuts so far today. Once in college, I pooped my pants a little bit at a Country Steaks all-you-can-eat-buffet and I didn’t leave until I finished my second plate of shrimp. A couple of months ago, I went on a date with my cousin. There is an 80% chance that in the next election I will tell all my friends I am voting for Barack Obama but I will secretly vote for John McCain. When I was a kid, I used to put on my fanciest nightgown and then I would mix orange soda and cream soda in a champagne glass and I would sit in the dark and watch The Love Boat. Consequently I have some weird sexual fantasy stuff about Gopher. And I lied. I have had five donuts today. So, um, that’s my deal. And now we’re even.
