How to get revenge on roommates
You should definitely wait until you’re at a cash-paid internet kiosk at the airport before hacking their Google email accounts to send Photoshopped pictures of themselves performing fellatio on wallabies with the subject line “Here are the images you requested” to all the elementary school children in your former neighborhood.
On whether Canada should legalize mobility scooters for street use
Canadians will ride into the next battle for freedom on the back of a horse called Rascal. Your obvious opposition to them and the patriots that ride them is clearly the result of your inability to see the future – the glorious, seven-and-a-half mile-per-hour future of your country. The sooner you stow your prejudices in the conveniently mounted basket behind your fully adjustable chair, the happier you’ll be.
My name is Angela and I’m in the 4th grade. I think this boy in class likes me but I can’t tell for sure. I was wondering if you can tell me how I can tell if a boy likes me.
Until you get three consecutive, unequivocally positive responses from your cootie-catcher, I’d say the private concert and the Nintendo Wii purchased with three years’ worth of lawn-mowing money are just empty gestures. And don’t just keep picking even numbers. For true love, you’ve gotta be willing to take risks.
On “Boys of Summer” music video
Don Henley backs away from his own face. Who does that?
Opinion on best quote from The Princess Bride (Inigo Montoya)
The fact is: Mandy Patinkin will die one day, and the first line from his obit will not read “Mandy Patinkin, esteemed film, television and stage actor and performer, succumbed to excessive awesomeness at the age of too soon.”
Are you worried that the experiments being conducted at the Large Hadron Collider at CERN could result in the destruction of the earth?
I believe that science, which has brought us the Space Shuttle and instant ramen, is a fundamentally good thing. But thanks to an apocalyptic Baptist upbringing, the idea of a rapidly accreting man-made singularity quietly sucking France and Switzerland into its gaping maw sounds exactly like the sort of thing God would do to a species that allowed Flavor of Love and I Love New York to be shown to children.
